Boom, roasted… Well ladies and “degen”tlemen, after three years of being told that semiconductors would power the future… The market’s most powerful chip currently comes covered in chocolate and sits inside a glass case guarded by a blue-haired barista with $80,000 in student loans (read: Starbucks). Coffee beans, a commodity harvested by hand and transported inside burlap sacks, have gained 13% over the past three months. For those of you who...
Cerebras CEO: Look at all our orders… Investors: You mean “sales” right? Cerebras CEO: (pretends the Zoom froze) Cerebras shares got sent to the AI dungeon (-16%) after investors read the fine print underneath the “booming” cloud business and discovered that fewer customers are buying its enormous AI machines. Sure, revenue still jumped 74% year over year to $180.1 million. But analysts expected $194 million, and Cerebras’ hardware business...
Advanced Micro Devices (NASDAQ: AMD) is seeking to raise between $4 billion and $5 billion through a new bond offering, with the company indicating the proceeds may be used for general corporate purposes, including debt repayment. The financing comes ahead of an existing $875 million bond maturity scheduled for next month. AMD has not made a final decision on the size of the new offering, and the amount could change based on investor demand, according to people familiar with the matter. AMD h...
OpenAI said Thursday that Dali Rajic will become its chief revenue officer, replacing Denise Dresser, who is leaving the company about eight months after joining. Rajic previously served as president and chief operating officer of cybersecurity company Wiz. Dresser will remain at OpenAI briefly to help support customers and the business team during the leadership transition. Dresser joined OpenAI in December following more than a decade as an executive at Salesforce. She was responsible for t...
Live footage of me trying to find literally anything else to talk about in today’s Final Tally other than Iran and AI bubble comparisons to 2022… Before we get into today’s breakdown (and why Jensen’s little maneuver alongside Apollo and BlackRock has everyone’s panties in a wad) can we all take a moment to appreciate the comedy that is Cassandra Unchained on Substack? (No, this is not an ad.) I’m starting to think Alex Karp slept with Michael Burry&rsq...
It’s been 84 years… but Wendy’s finally printed a green candle. Wendy’s caught a rather hot-n-juicy bid (+14%) and gained more in a day than it has in the last 5 years alone… which isn’t saying much considering shares are quite literally down 63% since August of 2021. So what happened? Three words: Nelson (freakin) Peltz. According to reports, the Snapple turnaround king by way of Trian Fund Management is assembling an investor consortium t...
Michael Burry is in his basement with the drumsticks again. (#GPUbackedsecurities) Wall Street agreed to underwrite half a trillion dollars against graphics cards, and the only stock that didn't get paid for it was Nvidia's. Obi-Huang-Kenobi (read: Jensen Huang) spent Monday signing memorandums with the real-life illuminati… a.k.a., Apollo, BlackRock, Blackstone, Brookfield, Goldman Sachs and KKR to mobilize more than $500 billion for AI infrastructure. Nvidia gave up its morni...
“Hey Alexa, play “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins” - Archer’s CEO, probably… It’s Monday my dudes, and Boeing spent the morning paying a startup to take three of its own companies off its hands. And because very little news makes up good news for anything associated with Boeing, the market went feral over it. In short, Kelly Sortberg (read: CEO Kelly Ortberg) has been preaching a leaner, more focused Boeing since 2024, and this is what l...
Nvidia (NASDAQ: NVDA) is working with several of the world’s largest investment firms on a proposed $500 billion financing initiative aimed at supporting artificial intelligence infrastructure, according to a person familiar with the matter. Apollo Global Management (NYSE: APO), Blackstone (NYSE: BX), BlackRock’s (NYSE: BLK) Global Infrastructure Partners, Brookfield Asset Management (NYSE: BAM), Goldman Sachs (NYSE: GS) and KKR (NYSE: KKR) are participating in the effort, the per...
The Pentagon is asking U.S. defense contractors to accelerate weapons production and shorten delivery timelines as the military works to restore munitions inventories reduced during the conflict with Iran. Defense companies were given no more than 21 days to provide proposals for increasing output or delivering critical weapons systems more quickly, according to a Wednesday memo from Deputy Defense Secretary Steve Feinberg obtained by The Washington Post. Feinberg said existing development ti...
“Platinum With No Features” - J-Cole Pandora CEO, probably… Berta de Pablos-Barbier, Pandora CEO (rocks, not rock’n roll), went all “suck it, silver” after explaining why the world's largest jeweler is replacing real silver in its charm bracelets with base metal wearing a thin coat of platinum. She called it flexibility. "We are diversifying our portfolio of materials," she said, which is what coating cheaper metal in a whisper of plati...
“This the moron who’s supposed to replace me?” -Buffett shaking his head in disappointment For all you guys who rage-sold a stock at the bottom and then spent the next four years watching it rip face without you… Bill Ackman just proved there’s no tax bracket high enough to escape bag-fumbler’s remorse. (One of us, one of us!). The wannabe Buffett Pershing Square founder is pressing “Continue Watching” on Netflix nearly four years after rage...
It’s been 84 years… but Wendy’s finally printed a green candle. Wendy’s caught a rather hot-n-juicy bid (+14%) and gained more in a day than it has in the last 5 years alone… which isn’t saying much considering shares are quite literally down 63% since August of 2021. So what happened? Three words: Nelson (freakin) Peltz. According to reports, the Snapple turnaround king by way of Trian Fund Management is assembling an investor consortium t...
Call your AI bubble friends and rub it in… CoreWeave has never made a dollar of profit in its life, and Tuesday night it told the richest customers on Earth that the three-year-old chips now cost more than they did new. Nobody flinched as revenue doubled to $2.58 billion, the adjusted loss printed at $1.03 against the $1.20 the Street had braced for, and the stock ripped 14% after the bell. So what happened? CEO Michael Intrator traded carbon credits for fifteen years an...
Game, Set, Match Poverty. Well, everyone’s favorite retired tennis robot officially lost his billionaire status yesterday after On Holding suffered the worst trading day in company history. One of Nike’s newest tormentors plunged as much as 22%, erasing $52 million from Federer’s fortune in the blink of an eye. According to the official Forbes List, the loss booted him from the billionaire club and left him stranded with just $952 million. Absolutely devastating....
Dallas Buyers club would never (sike) It’s Wednesday my dudes, and the Narc (read: Eli Lilly) has now turned more than 200 people and businesses over to the federal government for selling a drug it hasn't finished testing. Call it premature ejaculation injection. Lilly filed six lawsuits against companies it says are moving black-market retatrutide, the triple-agonist obesity shot still sitting in Phase 3 with zero approvals anywhere on Earth. The defendants being Aesthetic...
My former Edward Jones advisor just punched a hole through the wall of his suburban branch office… As the great Wayne Gretzky once said, don’t skate to where the puck already is… skate to where its going… And by the looks of it, Goldman Sachs followed it straight into the brokerage accounts of investors who trust TheStockRizzler67 more than a licensed financial advisor. Case in point, everyone’s favorite DJ CEO (read: David Solomon) just agreed to pay...
Michael Burry is in his basement with the drumsticks again. (#GPUbackedsecurities) Wall Street agreed to underwrite half a trillion dollars against graphics cards, and the only stock that didn't get paid for it was Nvidia's. Obi-Huang-Kenobi (read: Jensen Huang) spent Monday signing memorandums with the real-life illuminati… a.k.a., Apollo, BlackRock, Blackstone, Brookfield, Goldman Sachs and KKR to mobilize more than $500 billion for AI infrastructure. Nvidia gave up its morni...
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